blessed

I just wanted to say, the Lord does bless. Even when we probably don't deserve it. In the past month, blessings, small and large, have been around every corner. I have been on on my knees to beg for forgiveness for my lack of faith, my doubt, my frustration, even my anger. He cares. About the small things, the big things--it's just up to us to allow Him to comfort us and guide us. He's always willing. The question is, are we.

here we are

It's weird. The last time I posted on here, it was May. I had a totally different picture of how life would be the end of July. I knew Jon would have a job . . . . somewhere. At that point I didn't really even care where. I already felt like I had been patient long enough. That this "trial" (if it's worthy of being called that) would be over. That the blessings we had both received would be fulfilled. That our financial situation would look a bit brighter, perhaps a bit more secure at the very least.

Well, here we are. July 20. And no, there isn't any job on the horizon.

Let me interrupt and say I am 100% grateful Jon still has his teaching job. (Truly the only negative to that is that it doesn't pay enough. Hence grad school for 2 years, thousands more in student loans so we could get a bigger paycheck.) But I realize that in today's current state, we are blessed.

Still . . . . can I just say that there are times when it is hard--HARD--to count your blessings and allow those blessing to give you the happiness and comfort they should and can. I am impatient. I want to see the Lord's hand in my life today. Right now. I want the small details to fall into place--I want that long promised job to be here. Now.

It's not. And so we will wait. (since we really have no other option) I have hope, even belief, that there will come a day when I will look back on this time and get it. When understanding will finally come. When I will be able to see how the Lord's hand was there this entire time, leading us, guiding us, taking care of us. And that is what I can't wait for. Whenever He decides the time is right.

PS--should you desire to check out our family blog, email me at kmfrey2003@yahoo.com.

PPS--Baby #6, due in november is a girl. Possibly Katelyn Elizabeth. Pretty sweet in a big family sort of way. :-)

thinking

It's almost 3:00. Kiddos are coming home right now. They had Monday off from school and it was Monday night that I fully realized I am ready for summer. Not the intense heat, necessarily . . .this weather suits me just fine. No, but I am ready to have the kiddos home with me. I'm ready for the schedule to lax a bit, hoping to read some good books with them, and excited to see what adventures we might have.

Speaking of adventures . . . hubby has a job interview in Blanding Utah. That could be an adventure. Course he needs to get the job first. I'm trying not to count my chickens before they hatch. But seeing it's the only prospect he has right now, I might be jumping the gun a bit. Not sure how I feel about moving or about moving to Blanding, but a job is a job is a job . . . especially in this economy.

I want to learn how to garden. I am clueless when it comes to this area. Completely clueless. But I have decided I want to learn and I want to do it. When we figure out where we are going job wise, that is going to be the next thing I want to conquer. That and debt. And our lack of food storage. Might take me a while.

A friend I've had for ten years now came over to visit this morning. It amazes me we have known each other that long. Ten years have flown. The older I get, the more a year is just a blink. And when I know where my children will be in 10 years, I get a little sad. Not a lot sad cause I'm excited to see what life holds for them--just a little sad.

I'm craving a baby boy. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my baby girls, but it has been a long time since my little boys were baby boys. mmmmm . . . there is something about a baby boy. I teared up the other day thinking about them when they were little. How the time is flying by. A part of me longs to press pause and relive it all again--with the knowledge, patience, and other stuff I have accumulated along the way. (well, except maybe those extra pounds that may never completely go away. I could do without those I believe.) Yeah, being a mommy can be hard. But it is worth it in so many, many ways.

what i'm lovin'

The WEATHER!!!!! I am loving it with every fiber of my being. It makes me so happy.

The River Trail. I have lived here for going on 14 years and the first time I ever walked on this trail was in February when my sisters got me out there. I've ridden bikes on it plenty of times, but never walked it. It is so pretty. More so on foot when you have time to enjoy the surroundings. The views of the mountains are incredible. Love it.

My sisters. 2 of my 3 are here in the same town as me. How lucky is that?

Chocolate covered cinnamon bears. I really kind of like these things. Never had heard of them till I had one recently and now I'm very happy to have found these little treats.

This CD. Listening to it right now. It calms me and helps me feel the Spirit. Love it.

This video clip on YouTube. Love the music; love the message even more. It's beautiful.

My baby's kisses. Open mouthed, wet.

And her hugs. She leans her head into me to hug me. The sweetest thing.

The temple. So grateful for their proximity and for my testimony of their purpose in my own life.

This fabulous store. It makes me happy to shop there because I can get my produce so stinkin cheap there. And my Burt's Bees butt stuff is cheaper there than Target.

So, what are you lovin' today??

gracie

How is it that strangers can touch our lives in such deep, profound ways?

Meet Gracie.

She (and her family) touched my heart tonight.

I felt the Spirit. Cried a little. Read some more and cried a lot.

And thought about my blessings--stories like this do that. Help you to reflect on everything good and amazing in your own life.

I will be praying for Gracie's sweet family tonight. The words her Daddy wrote on the blog touched my heart so deep. And of course, her sweet mother. How does a mother do it? Her siblings . . . . .

I'm also going to hug each one of my children one more time before I go to sleep. Because I can. And that, in and of itself, is a huge blessing.

something new--leave a comment & pay it forward

I needed to put something new on here! I was tired of seeing my complaining confession as the top post.

So, I'm going to start this little cute idea on here.

This has been rampant amongst the blogs I frequent and I was lucky enough to win on 2 blogs--my sisters and my friends. I have been extremely slow in getting to this part of the idea--paying it forward. I was nervous about having to reward anyone until I realized I had one year to dish up the goods, so to speak.

Well . . . . here goes.

1. Be one of the first THREE bloggers to leave a comment on this post, which then entitles you to a handmade item from me (yeah for handmade!).

2. If you are one of the first three to make a comment, you are a winner! And you then agree to post this challenge on your own blog, meaning that you will pay it forward, creating a handmade gift -anything!- for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!

3. The gift that you send to your 3 friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. This means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. And, remember it’s the spirit and the thought that count!

4. When you receive your gift, blog about it! If you are not one of the first three to comment on this post, you can still play along. Go ahead and start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same! It's all about paying it forward.

Enjoy!!!!!!!!

i was going to complain because

My hubby is gone. To Idaho. No, he hasn't gone there to see any sporting events or to gamble (can you gamble in Idaho?) or watch any races. No, he went to help his parents move. And I've been grouchy about it ever since he walked out that door.

Grad school (yes, the excuse must come here) has been hard. Okay, truth be told, hard may be pushing it. You see, my sister and I watched a movie about Emma Smith last night. Her life was hard. No, her life was harder than hard.

Let's try that again, grad school has been challenging.

I have been a single parent for a lot of it while Jon has juggled 2 jobs and school and a needy, sometimes naggy wife. We have grown. But one can not grow without trials and pain and challenges.

So needless to say, I didn't want him to go to Idaho to help his parents move even though I told him he could go. (like I could really tell him not to go--then I would be a truly crappy daughter-in-law to boot!) I wanted him home with me. I get selfish when it involves my time with him as it doesn't happen too often right now. And to top it all off, he called to tell me they wouldn't be home till tomorrow. (yes, "they" would include him and the 3 children he willingly took along. I know, I know, I'm a brat.)

But then, he calls and he tells me something else-something HUGE. Something that could make the next month and a half so nice!! And all of the sudden, I am overcome with both shame (for my grouchy, selfish attitude) and gratitude, because we are so blessed. All the time. We don't serve to be blessed necessarily, but for some reason the Lord does still bless us when we serve (even sometimes when we have a not so righteous attitude).

And that is why I was going to complain about my hubby being gone and now, I won't.

being a mommy

Can be so dang hard.

I want so much to protect them from hurt.

Of any kind.

Physical, emotional. All of it.

And I can't.

One of mine is hurting and I don't know how to help. I feel so helpless. And it hurts to feel helpless, especially when it comes to your child.

Growing up, different experiences shaped my self-image--my self-esteem. I allowed others to affect how I felt about ME--forgetting the one source I should have turned to for self-worth--my Father in Heaven. I wish I could go back and help me then know who I was--that I was loved by those who mattered the most. That the mean kids in school would eventually become a far distant memory. And I wanted to give my children the confidence they needed to be strong enough that those things would just bounce off of them, should they ever have to deal with them. Hopefully, they wouldn't. But if they did, I hoped they would always know who they are and be able to fall back on that simple truth.

So then I grew up, got married and had children of my very own. Children I love so deeply it can hurt. And you give birth and they are these amazing infants--perfect in every way--10 fingers, 10 toes, healthy, beautiful. When they are born, it's the basics that really matter. Not the clothes they wear, or the jokes they try to tell, or the goofy way they talk--and too soon they are rolly-polly little toddlers, toddling around, loving life. Falling down. Constantly. Getting back up. Constantly. And they have are 110% in love with their mommy (and maybe even daddy). Their adoration is complete. You are all that matter to them.

Yet in a blink of an eye they are five, in school and things change. Other people matter more. Till one day, they curl up in your arms and say, "Mommy, my life is hard." And you stop yourself from saying, "No honey your life is good" and instead you ask "Why?" And your heart skips a beat as your little baby you love so much--that child who's toes and fingers you nibbled on when they were little--tells you how other kids are mean. That some make your child feel invisible. That some call your child small or loser. And it hurts. Way deep inside. And you feel so helpless and you just want to shake all those kids and tell them that your child is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

But all you can do is pray.

Pray for your baby, pray for yourself that you will know what to do. And cry a little too, cause it hurts real bad when your baby hurts.

Which is one, big reason being a mommy is so dang hard.

change

Not sure where this post will lead today. Just needed to type and hear that clickety clack sound for a few minutes. Five to be precise. I must type non-stop for five minutes. Whatever comes to my brain--just random thoughts if that is all there is. I am seriously drawing a blank. We used to do this in a writing class I took--except they were 10 minute power writing sessions. I don't have 10 minutes today--I have used up all my computer time. I have to clean my room and wash the kitchen floor, take a shower, get dressed and be ready for Scouts by 4. I think I can do that. Isn't it amazing how fast a day is? A week too, really. Time keeps on going faster and I'm not sure I want that to happen. I love so much about my life right now. I am somewhat fearful of what is going to happen over the next few months--though change always ends up being a good thing--it's weird to have my thoughts of our future stop in June. If we move, it will be in June. So I don't think past that beautiful, summer month. Unless I have to (like with Cortney's upcoming Kindergarten registration)--then I just assume my life will continue on as it is right now. In my little, split-level home, with 2 dogs (one being my sister's), 3 cats (one being my other sister's), 5 children, my sister, my hubby, his job in PG, my wonderful friends, the amazing mountains I see from my window, baseball, T-ball, swimming lessons. We shall see, I guess, we shall see.

joy

Joy. The feeling is fantastic. What brings it is so varied. Years ago, our Relief Society president gave us a joy journal. We were supposed to write in it each day about the things that brought us joy that day. So what has brought me joy today . . .

the clouds
spring is closer than not
my children practicing piano
lunch with Jon
countdown chains
my family . . . each and every person I can count as family
dusty . . . our cute, lovable, furry, dog
the color pink
the number on the scale today . . . 2 more pounds to preChristmas weight . . . hehe
good music
dark chocolate M&M's--both the peanut and plain varieties-though I didn't have any today precisely--just a longing--like a long distance relationship right now
lydia's smile
jonathan's toothless grin
cortney's kisses
matthew's teasing
ally's love
jon.
the temple being so close--love seeing it as I drive around town
our home
my friends
our quiet neighborhood
reading with Cortney
her thank you at Burger King today
the smell in deseret book
the Valentine balloons at Wal-mart

What has brought you joy today? Thinking about it just may bring an extra smile to your face. love me.