i was going to complain because

My hubby is gone. To Idaho. No, he hasn't gone there to see any sporting events or to gamble (can you gamble in Idaho?) or watch any races. No, he went to help his parents move. And I've been grouchy about it ever since he walked out that door.

Grad school (yes, the excuse must come here) has been hard. Okay, truth be told, hard may be pushing it. You see, my sister and I watched a movie about Emma Smith last night. Her life was hard. No, her life was harder than hard.

Let's try that again, grad school has been challenging.

I have been a single parent for a lot of it while Jon has juggled 2 jobs and school and a needy, sometimes naggy wife. We have grown. But one can not grow without trials and pain and challenges.

So needless to say, I didn't want him to go to Idaho to help his parents move even though I told him he could go. (like I could really tell him not to go--then I would be a truly crappy daughter-in-law to boot!) I wanted him home with me. I get selfish when it involves my time with him as it doesn't happen too often right now. And to top it all off, he called to tell me they wouldn't be home till tomorrow. (yes, "they" would include him and the 3 children he willingly took along. I know, I know, I'm a brat.)

But then, he calls and he tells me something else-something HUGE. Something that could make the next month and a half so nice!! And all of the sudden, I am overcome with both shame (for my grouchy, selfish attitude) and gratitude, because we are so blessed. All the time. We don't serve to be blessed necessarily, but for some reason the Lord does still bless us when we serve (even sometimes when we have a not so righteous attitude).

And that is why I was going to complain about my hubby being gone and now, I won't.

being a mommy

Can be so dang hard.

I want so much to protect them from hurt.

Of any kind.

Physical, emotional. All of it.

And I can't.

One of mine is hurting and I don't know how to help. I feel so helpless. And it hurts to feel helpless, especially when it comes to your child.

Growing up, different experiences shaped my self-image--my self-esteem. I allowed others to affect how I felt about ME--forgetting the one source I should have turned to for self-worth--my Father in Heaven. I wish I could go back and help me then know who I was--that I was loved by those who mattered the most. That the mean kids in school would eventually become a far distant memory. And I wanted to give my children the confidence they needed to be strong enough that those things would just bounce off of them, should they ever have to deal with them. Hopefully, they wouldn't. But if they did, I hoped they would always know who they are and be able to fall back on that simple truth.

So then I grew up, got married and had children of my very own. Children I love so deeply it can hurt. And you give birth and they are these amazing infants--perfect in every way--10 fingers, 10 toes, healthy, beautiful. When they are born, it's the basics that really matter. Not the clothes they wear, or the jokes they try to tell, or the goofy way they talk--and too soon they are rolly-polly little toddlers, toddling around, loving life. Falling down. Constantly. Getting back up. Constantly. And they have are 110% in love with their mommy (and maybe even daddy). Their adoration is complete. You are all that matter to them.

Yet in a blink of an eye they are five, in school and things change. Other people matter more. Till one day, they curl up in your arms and say, "Mommy, my life is hard." And you stop yourself from saying, "No honey your life is good" and instead you ask "Why?" And your heart skips a beat as your little baby you love so much--that child who's toes and fingers you nibbled on when they were little--tells you how other kids are mean. That some make your child feel invisible. That some call your child small or loser. And it hurts. Way deep inside. And you feel so helpless and you just want to shake all those kids and tell them that your child is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

But all you can do is pray.

Pray for your baby, pray for yourself that you will know what to do. And cry a little too, cause it hurts real bad when your baby hurts.

Which is one, big reason being a mommy is so dang hard.

change

Not sure where this post will lead today. Just needed to type and hear that clickety clack sound for a few minutes. Five to be precise. I must type non-stop for five minutes. Whatever comes to my brain--just random thoughts if that is all there is. I am seriously drawing a blank. We used to do this in a writing class I took--except they were 10 minute power writing sessions. I don't have 10 minutes today--I have used up all my computer time. I have to clean my room and wash the kitchen floor, take a shower, get dressed and be ready for Scouts by 4. I think I can do that. Isn't it amazing how fast a day is? A week too, really. Time keeps on going faster and I'm not sure I want that to happen. I love so much about my life right now. I am somewhat fearful of what is going to happen over the next few months--though change always ends up being a good thing--it's weird to have my thoughts of our future stop in June. If we move, it will be in June. So I don't think past that beautiful, summer month. Unless I have to (like with Cortney's upcoming Kindergarten registration)--then I just assume my life will continue on as it is right now. In my little, split-level home, with 2 dogs (one being my sister's), 3 cats (one being my other sister's), 5 children, my sister, my hubby, his job in PG, my wonderful friends, the amazing mountains I see from my window, baseball, T-ball, swimming lessons. We shall see, I guess, we shall see.

joy

Joy. The feeling is fantastic. What brings it is so varied. Years ago, our Relief Society president gave us a joy journal. We were supposed to write in it each day about the things that brought us joy that day. So what has brought me joy today . . .

the clouds
spring is closer than not
my children practicing piano
lunch with Jon
countdown chains
my family . . . each and every person I can count as family
dusty . . . our cute, lovable, furry, dog
the color pink
the number on the scale today . . . 2 more pounds to preChristmas weight . . . hehe
good music
dark chocolate M&M's--both the peanut and plain varieties-though I didn't have any today precisely--just a longing--like a long distance relationship right now
lydia's smile
jonathan's toothless grin
cortney's kisses
matthew's teasing
ally's love
jon.
the temple being so close--love seeing it as I drive around town
our home
my friends
our quiet neighborhood
reading with Cortney
her thank you at Burger King today
the smell in deseret book
the Valentine balloons at Wal-mart

What has brought you joy today? Thinking about it just may bring an extra smile to your face. love me.