joy

Joy. The feeling is fantastic. What brings it is so varied. Years ago, our Relief Society president gave us a joy journal. We were supposed to write in it each day about the things that brought us joy that day. So what has brought me joy today . . .

the clouds
spring is closer than not
my children practicing piano
lunch with Jon
countdown chains
my family . . . each and every person I can count as family
dusty . . . our cute, lovable, furry, dog
the color pink
the number on the scale today . . . 2 more pounds to preChristmas weight . . . hehe
good music
dark chocolate M&M's--both the peanut and plain varieties-though I didn't have any today precisely--just a longing--like a long distance relationship right now
lydia's smile
jonathan's toothless grin
cortney's kisses
matthew's teasing
ally's love
jon.
the temple being so close--love seeing it as I drive around town
our home
my friends
our quiet neighborhood
reading with Cortney
her thank you at Burger King today
the smell in deseret book
the Valentine balloons at Wal-mart

What has brought you joy today? Thinking about it just may bring an extra smile to your face. love me.

just one thing

GO BYU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

choice

I don't really have anything to say today. I just wanted to type and get a new post on here.

So, what is on my mind today?

Choices.

My friend and I were walking one morning and we were talking about choices. Specifically as choice relates to spouses. She said she had a friend who had married one man and then always wondered what life would have been like if she had married her other choice. (the one on a mission) My dear friend told her, it doesn't really matter. She had made her choice and that was that. You then go forward with that choice, resolved to make it work. What would our world be like if more people just stay resolved to make their choice work. What if we just gave our all and continued trying instead of throwing in the towel and making another "choice".

I have made choices in my life, from my major, to my husband, to having children as fast and as many as we did. Are there times I could have questioned my choices? Yes. Life would have been so different had I made any of those choices differently. Do I regret any of them? No. I enjoyed my major. It was a highlight of my college experience. I will need to do more schooling to do anything with that major. But I enjoyed it and I am proud of my Bachelor's degree. I am grateful I can say to my children, I finished school. With a 10 month old baby. I did it. And so can you. Of course I don't regret my hubby choice. I just adore him. He completes me better than others could. Yes, marriage is a lot about going with the flow. Going with the one you marry. He isn't the only one I could have married nor the only one I could have been happy with. But I think I am best with and happiest married to him. Our children. I will not deny that there are days when it has been HARD. Hard to have them so close. Hard to have chosen children over a job while said hubby was still in school. But regret? Nope. I love our family. Just the way it is. I love where we are at. I love what we have learned. It's been fun. Crazy. Hard. And worth every sacrifice we have made.

So I guess, at the end of the day, my friend is right. We make a choice. And then we go with it. There is no point in looking back. I heard this quote in this movie the other night. Love it. Not exact--have to watch the movie again to perfect it, but there is the general idea.

The past is only history; the future is a mystery. All that matters in now and that is why they call it a present.

thinking on friday

A couple of things on my mind today.

Barack Obama is my President-elect. He will be my President. Though I did not vote for him, I will support him--as much as I can. I will pray for him. I will hope for him. And I will wait. Watch. And we will see. It will be okay. The people have spoken. And it gives me encouragement to see the transfer of power. There is much about the political process that bugs to no end. But it is relatively smooth still. And peaceful. I'm grateful for our great country. Watching this whole thing has renewed my love and devotion to my country.

Another thing on my mind. Is being offended a choice or a real emotion? I haven't decided. And so I don't judge those who either make that choice or feel that emotion. But in my own life, I have tried very, very hard to make the choice to not be offended by others. I have tried very, very hard to look at the person's heart. To look at them as a brother or sister in a spiritual sense. I get bugged, sure. But aren't we all just here, doing the best we can, trying the best we can? Do people really offend with the sole purpose to offend? I don't think so. I really don't. I do know that our Savior chose to never be offended. Even when provided with ample opportunity to feel offended, he chose the higher road. He still loved. I am not Him. I am not perfect. But I can try. And that is what I do. I love, I try, I pray, and I love some more.

afternoon showers

I took a shower at 3 PM today. Funny how the day just speeds by at warp speed. So fast I can't even take the half-hour for me to get clean until 3:00. And that was a good day. Yesterday, I didn't even see the other side of the shower curtain. I read a quote one time about how Helen Keller, Albert Einstein and some other amazing people only had 24 hours a day, just like me. I think it was supposed to be a motivating quote of sorts. Not so much. Though maybe I should find some consolation in the fact that the people on the list didn't have five children under the age of 9. Still, the majority of those five kiddos are not even home for the good majority of the day, so honestly is that really an excuse? The baby is nursing less. How can I get so little done each day? That question holds so much frustration for me. (and don't answer me by saying stay off the computer) Though that could be partly true. But all in all, I have spent a grand total of maybe 30 minutes on here today. So that isn't a huge chunk of time. Mothers of young children generally work hard. All day long. And the day comes to a close and there are still piles of laundry, clean and dirty, piles of toys, somewhere, kitty litters and dishes, homework pages and backpacks. I think I want a cut-off time. A time when I can sit down, sigh with relief and say, my job is done--for today. Alas, a mother's work never ends. Another quote. More inspiration. And so I close with a question, what time did you take a shower today?

Change of pace . . . politics

I just found the following story on my friends blog and found it to be rather interesting. I am not so sheltered or naive as to think that either party is perfect nor do I profess that all tenents of the Democratic platform and beliefs are wrong. However, there are basic and fundamental differences between my core beliefs and the Democratic party. And this is one of those differences.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words "redistribution of wealth."

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'

clouds and choices

This black cloud has been following me for two days now. Two days of blackness inside my soul. I want to chase it out with sunshine--I want to push it out. I should be able to, shouldn't I? I am surrounded my so many rays of sunshine, just trying to pierce my soul with their light. Is it because of the light I was fed on Sunday? I wanted to come home and write all about the spiritual feast that was mine that day. How fed and full I felt. From Sacrament to Relief Society, with Sunday School in between. I almost didn't go. Almost. But I did. And I was so glad I did. I was renewed. Anxious to face life again.

Monday and Tuesday were great. I chose strength. I chose happiness. Wednesday I faltered. Thursday I fell down. Hard. So today, Friday I am trying to get back up once again.

I had forgotten about Sunday by the time Wednesday rolled around. So now, as I try to recall what it was that fed me, my memory is quite clouded. It was Ward Conference. Oh yes, it's coming back now. Our Bishop spoke. I love to listen to him--it is reminiscent of EFY speakers for me. He spoke about finding the Savior in the scriptures. The insights he brought up, the thoughts on scriptures I have read but never fully comprehended was deep. Thought provoking. Our Stake President spoke as well. I don't remember his talk as much, though I do remember feeling quite satisfied when he sat down. In Sunday School we spoke about the Savior's visit with the Nephites. One thing that really struck a chord in me was when the Savior says, after seeing the Nephites' faith, that his joy was full. Our good teacher pointed out how much joy we, as imperfect, mortal beings feel when we see our own children's faith. When their spirituality is manifested in something they say or do. So imagine how much joy it gives our Father and our Savior, the perfect and spiritual beings they are, when we manifest our spirituality in the things we do. And it says it right there. His joy was full. We also brought up how the Lord had them come up "one by one"--He blessed them, one by one. Individually. It was pointed out how individual this Gospel is. How it is a one on one experience with the Lord. Case in point--the Sacrament; the Temple recommend interview; each priesthood ordinance we participate in--all on an individual level. Then in Relief Society we spoke of Joseph Smith and trials in this life. Our Stake President taught the lesson. It was really touching. I am sorry to say that a small part of my emotional energy is spent in worry. Worry about when the "big one" is going to hit. I feel that my life has been really, really good. My list of blessings includes a faithful, loving husband; five beautiful, healthy children; two parents who love me and who are still alive; four siblings who I love, am close to and who are still here with me as well; extended family; a home; running water; electricity; a car--actually, now, 2 cars again--yeah!!!; a healthy, strong body; many wonderful, wonderful friends. And my list could go on and on. It outweighs the trial list in my life by a long shot. I know of many who struggle with things that I can't fathom. I met a woman with two children at the park one day, we started talking--turns out she had two more children. Two older ones who a few years previous to our meeting had both died in a fire. I know of cancer, accidents, death--so many, many things that can afflict us. And so, I wait. It has to be my turn someday, right? When I can't find one of my children for a minute or two, I panic. To an extreme. Because my time has come, my child is gone, and I will now be one of those parents on the evening news, begging for the return of my little one. I will have been inducted into a club I have no desire to ever be a member of. My own mortality scares me the least. I worry for those I would leave behind. I would miss them desperately I think. But to be the one left. That is something that scares me. A lot. And then, I also wonder, would I be strong enough to turn to my Lord? To turn to the one source of comfort. And would I allow the Atonement to work it's magic? Would I choose to be faithful? I sure hope so.

And that brings me full circle, to today. Back to those black clouds I am letting cloud my hope and my vision. Do I have the strength to allow the rays of sunshine around me to pierce these black clouds? Will I choose faith over despair? Today, right now. In the face of this, my own personal trial. Small as it may be compared to the trials of some, it is still mine. And so I will face it. With as much strength as I can muster. And hopefully I can build up some much needed spiritual muscles while I am in the process.